Post by Isabella Black on Jun 27, 2009 23:30:06 GMT 10
Dec. 08
......I've been thinking a lot lately. About vampires and humans and werewolves.
My father had told me that he had tried to join them in harmony. I suppose that's why he joined....that organization, and got punished for it.
I don't know if I want to resist anymore, if I even wanted to in the first place.......
My mother would probably be disappointed in me. She didn't care, blood was food to her. She accepted exactly who she was. She was a true vampire, the leader of her clan and they took her away.... From her clan and from me.....
I look at the humans and I feel hatred for them. Deep down.... I push it away for this is how it's suppose to be.... Still I stand alone wondering why we have to bow down to them, grant them harmony when they have murdered our kind. Turn a blind eye towards them when they speak of us in such hatred.......
I don't deserve this, neither do any of the vampires or the werewolves. They call us unnatural but if we were, why are we here?
I try to do what I can, but there's this yearning in me, wanting out. I don't belong anywhere, why do I bother to fit in? I can't for I'm half vampire and half human. I'm an outcast from birth it can't be helped. ....I'm starting to wonder if I can't be helped either....
Though I still find myself trying, put myself through pain for 'them'. So that I won't become a monster. I/m envious of them for that. But the worst thing is that, I have an hidden fear for them. They took everything away, it's no wonder....
...It looks like I'll have to see where I'll end up...
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No*02
Sometime in the year.
.......Is it possible to be giving up, when you embrace what you really are? Would it be considered giving up, if I were to?
My minds like a battlefield, it's so messed up I can't decide what to do anymore. Why does it have to be SO hard? Why do I have sympathy towards them?
But no, I have to fight against it. I, have to. I find myself asking why, then the fear about being discovered weighs heavily on my mind.
The reason I do, what I do.
I talked to another vampire, his name Jasper, or the Famous or infamous (depends who you are talking to)
'Major Swift.'
He is a vegetarian. Feeds off animals from the forest. I had not known vampires would do that, it just seems so barbaric. It makes my way of feeding, sound much better, or to me anyway. I'm sure my mother would be rolling in her grave if she knew vampires did that. -(Of course that would be if she had a body to roll around in, ashes can't really do much...)
Also, a werewolf discovered what I was. I had thought he could smell me, just like vampires can smell werewolves, but he didn't have to, I stupidly told him anyhow. Phoenix, the guy who, somehow manages to know more about me then I have ever let on in all my years at Hogwarts.
Now I rely on him for *new* improved substitute blood potions.
Damn it. I'm a vampire and I shouldn't even be friends with him. But I'm happy I am. For one; I actually have a friend. I don't care if he's a werewolf either, I never really got all the hype with the species having to hate each other.
It makes no sense to me, some childish grudge. That I don't think we have to hold. So I don't.
I also met a breather, (human). Frank. He seems alright, for a human anyway. He is interesting, I can tell in the way he walks and talk. I think he suspects me of being more than I am, for I let my emotions take hold -yet again-
He was talking about vampires. Had been in contact with them, This above all he said, interested me the most. That and his strange aura. It feels thick-like. Almost as if it's trying to manipulate my decision to remain near him.
Human and werewolf. My mother would approve, only by the fact she would think they would come in handy in the long run. If only she could be alive to tell me how to do things properly.
I miss her more everyday....
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No*03
(Early in the year)
Me, Isabella Scarlet Black, the last known member of the Swan bloodline, the head of the Swan family --> is a guardian.
To another Swan. My relative -That I never knew I even had-. Lelouch Zavor Swan, to be exact. An 8 year old, vampire, ready to explode at any given moment into a bloodthirsty killer.
The Swan family trustee must be insane, he thinks I'm capable.
Even used my own childhood against me;
"Do you want him to grow up like you did? Alone, an outcast?"
-I still have the words rebounding inside my head. No, I could never wish that on anyone.
Already one other person I know, has seen him, Frank. I nearly tore myself apart for such a mistake. I promised myself no one would know. Now all I can do is hope nothing bad comes of this.
There was a reason he was given to me, he is in danger from the same group of hunters, that almost killed my mother's entire clan. Just after another clan war.
Now Lelouch is happily jumping around the manor. As if his parents deaths never reached his innocent ears.
We have one thing in common though, we both like ice-cream.
I just wish I had my mother here to guide me.... I'm not the nurturing type, but I have a feeling, that is about to change and swiftly.
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No*04.
-After knowing Frank for a while, and finding out about his secrets I decided to help him. I made him send a letter to Lanor. His lover.
That he feels wouldn't reply, if only he knew I had already sent Lanor letters. Trying to work out the best way to reunite them.
Lanor sounds like a decent person, a vampire that(I did find to be a surprise.)
In the end I hope all works out for Frank...
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No*05
One word:
LOKI.
She appeared, alive and well. In a time I would have to say wasn't my greatest. I bit someone, after so long without it and refusing it, I bit someone and I couldn't stop myself.
The girl I bit, which I now know to be Alex, could have died. All because of me! Loki didn't seem to know why I would be upset about this. Frank helped me, another human. Why is it that I feel I get more help off them these days?
I still cried anyway and felt miserable. All because of this mistake.
I pride myself of my control.
Now I feel lost, and don't know if I can trust myself.
...Mother, I need you...
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No*4
I took some time off, and dived into helping Frank than help myself.
I made them happy, Lanor and Frank. Happy and together. With the help of them both of course....
But still I know Frank suspects I did something. It makes me happy that I could do this for Frank. Then again, the key word there is 'made'.
Past tense. I know now that the consequences of my actions will not make them happy. In fact, I wish I could take back what I did. I wish I never sent that letter. For it may have brought happiness... but just like a drug, the down side is much worse than I could of ever predicted.
-Or unwilling predicted.
At first, I, not only refuse to acknowledge this, I could not accept it. There seemed to be nothing anyone can do. No one can change the minds of Frank's old 'buddies'.
Yet I only know one why in which things will turn to our favor.
It's the only hope we have, I can't bear to think of losing....
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No*5
Mar.4
Evie, the girl that now is my friend, yet I feel so undeserving of it. Frank accidentally used his curse on her, I did some damage control. Helped him.
Now she clings to me as if I'm her best friend.
I feel guilty, even though my motive was only to help. Evie just appears so innocent, even if she is tainted.
Frank is happy anyway, or he should be. Evie won't harass him about his ability now. I'm glad to help him, Frank has become a true friend to me. The only true friend I have here at Hogwarts.
Having him as my friend, puts a lot of light in my darkened world.
I now can see the happiness the world has to offer.
I think we'll be alright, I can have hope and Lelouch will have the best childhood a child can have.
We'll be able to fight our demons together....
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No*6
I met the daughter of Tony.
Strange to be seeing another vampire with a vampire child growing inside of her.
Her name is Drop and she is stubborn, determined and hates her Father. That was the impression I got anyhow. She seemed to get rather angry when I told her, Tony told me she was pregnant.
It makes me wish, all the more, that my father was here too. He would show them that family's are more important than bitter grudges and well anything....
It would have been truly lovely, to have my parents with me. It hurts like a dagger they are not, but I grin a bear it. It's all I can do....
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No*7
Loki talked to me about my future. I will be able to go to the clan, but only after I finish school. I'm angry, and I feel I have a right to be. Even if it's dangerous for me to go now, I still feel cheated.
I have waited so long to be back with my own kind. My own MOTHER'S clan. I miss the feeling of connection. I have gone so far, been treated badly for so long, just to wait longer.
It seems ALL I do is wait.
I don't want to wait.
It would have been fine, if they had told me the clan was still alive, like at the beginning. I spent so long believing they were dead. So long thinking they would come after me, if they had survived.
Now I feel empty with resentment. Loki's excuses make sense, but I still feel like I've been betrayed. I can't stop that feeling from appearing.
I just want to belong...
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No*8
I'm -baka- --- I'm really, really stupid.
I should chain myself to a pole in the middle of nowhere, if I thought that would save myself from this.
Though it wouldn't and neither would it change the fact Lelouch is far smarter than I could have predicted for a child his age.
He replicated the transportation necklace. That 'little' trouble maker used magic, USED magic. Without a wand, and under no guidance of his tutor or myself. I hold myself responsible, but I feel so proud. I can see Lelouch becoming a powerful wizard. For that necklace was suppose to be the only one the wards would respond too.
I did catch him, all he wanted was to see the school grounds. Even ride his broom on the pitch. I don't know why he couldn't just do that at home, we have plenty of room.
But Lelouch is different and he always gets what he wants.
I believe this is my fault. He has me wrapped around his little fingers. I just can't get mad at him. Lucky litter bugger.
While I was trying to get him to come home, before anyone saw him. --I was terrified this would occur, but sadly, occur it did.
His name is Kaiden.
Luckily, he won't say anything and to my knowledge doesn't know Lelouch is related to me.
Lelouch is safe and I think I have a new friend.
*sighs*
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No*9
The time had come, I have told them. Lanor and Frank now know.
Though I didn't go into great detail about the visions. I was afraid too.
I stressed out that it was his choice, that he didn't have to be turned, if he absolutely had any doubts.
Frank just remained me of a child about it, yet again. I am only looking out for his and Lanor's safety. I would never do anything to hurt either of them.
They are my friends, I would do anything for them...
-I have become attached to them. Something that I thought I would never let myself do. But it has happened and I am glad.
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No*10
I feel vulnerable. I did something, I should not have, I took a potion enabling me to sword fight with Frank fairly. This potion makes its so my body, movements and sight would be human for a selected period of time.
I got wounded, and could not believe the physical pain. I have no real experience with this type of pain. I would normally heal swiftly, so the pain is usually only mild. This time, I had to wait until the potion wore off. I spend an either night in agony.
I did drift around, too absorbed in my own thoughts I nearly jumped out the 6th floor window. I bumped into Kaiden, or that's what I think. It nearly seems as if he followed me, followed my scent. He is a werewolf, after all.
I also met a girl (werewolf). Her name escapes me, and a boy, Stephan. I only remember his, since he acted like an idiot.
Needless to say, I was scared. I was vulnerable in the company of two werewolf's, one of which, the girl. Who was looking at me like I was some type of specimen.
I was clearly in trouble, then Kaiden took me away. Helped me. I was wary of him. Still am. But I have hope we can be friends, or are already.
He was also attacked, by Lanor and treated badly by Frank. Well he says, but I can not help but doubt my friendship with the two.
Do I really know them?
Have they been using me?
Are they really my friends, the friends I trusted?
I can't help but think this, and when I do, I feel a stab of pain in my heart.
They couldn't possibly?
........Could they?
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No*11
Lelouch's vampire cells have fully dominated, he will be aging progressively now. As with drinking blood.
This all had to happen at his birthday party. He was turning 9. Now he will be experiencing a lot of birthdays, since he'll look older, possibly years older in a few months.
If it wasn't bad enough, Frank was turned not a day after. I mourned for the lose of his humanity. Alone, like I always do. Lanor did it. It seemed better that way.
Happy news though, before the transformation Lanor proposed!
I'm so happy for them. And of course Frankie agreed. Despite the bad, the good is on it's way.
I just hope nothing turns ugly. I'm still wondering about what Kaiden had said, but have yet to voice any of this to Frank...
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No*12
Tauschung, Angel, Cooper, Arry and Ruckia. A bunch of creatures, all knowing Drop. I talked with them after finding Tauschung wounded in the forest.
By his own sister, werewolf... why do people do such horrible things?
I became useful and helped him, we ended up in the shrieking shack. I found out that Drop had, had her baby. - Simpal.
All wonderful news, all cheerful. I didn't leave, like I would normally around new people. I just wanted to stay as long as possible. Enjoying their company.
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No*13
Everything came out, Hanna had nearly made me lose control again. She had offered me an innocent unicorn. Freshly cut and bleeding but STILL breathing. I couldn't do it.
Not in front of her, I couldn't lose myself in the thirst when a werewolf watched on. It was all like she was playing with me, studying me. I think I shall avoid her, at all cost. Hanna scares me, she's insane!
Other than that, Frankie and me had an argument. Which has ended our friendship, or put a pause to it.
This was over Kaiden. Apparently Kaiden is the one in the wrong, even when I saw evidence that Kaiden was hurt by them.
Frank would not listen to me, and I kind of let my emotions take control. I was hungry and tired, I wanted to leave and talk about it later. Before either of us did something we both regretted.
He even hurt me, I didn't know if this was because he was still getting use to his new vampire strength or he did it on purpose.
I just feel so weak now. I just want to be friends with both!
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No*14
We talked. I talked with both, Lanor and Frank.
Now it's all up to Frank. It's his decision whether our friendship continues.
I just hope I don't look pathetic, once he has made it.
All there is left is to wait.
I have grown to hate waiting....
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Early Winter...
No*15
I had let my thoughts distract me, and ended up meeting Di. He made everything appear mythical, strangely I was too happy to care about anything else. Di's into taking photo's and I was blown away by his honesty. We viewed the sunset together, and I realized that I had taken some things to seriously. Had let things affect me, that shouldn't of.
I took photos of it, it was beautiful. I was not expecting to smile so much, I just let the thrill of this new experience take me along.
Soon I will be meeting Di again, to get the photos he took. I find myself excited to be meeting him again. His company is a gift, now that everything else is in tatters. I wish Danny had been with me, he would love Di's company as well... A light among the thoughts of chaos.
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No*16
Photos, I got the photos, they are amazing. I have to admit I really like Di. I'm Happy really happy. Di and I, we connect. I didn't care about his previous engagement to Ina, he's with me now....And I like that. He makes me feel special.
We danced, I felt like I was drifting on clouds.
Now nothing can ruin my mood, Di's going to be in my future, I want him to be.
... This also means I need to be completely honest with him. If this is going to work, I should tell him just what, he is getting himself into.... I've been too afraid to open up this bit of information. I don't want to fall from the cloud I'm on. It's all happening to quickly. -But, I'm going to be honest, next time we meet I will tell him.
For now, it provides a comfort. Leading me to believe I don't have to be alone...
